It took a long time for me to find the words I needed. And even then, I probably still don’t have all the right things to say.
“Toxic” a word I didn’t want to use. Because that implies that there is something wrong with you, that you only bring harm.
And that is not the case. Because I too, am not perfect, and because you amount to more than just a label. Because you were the bestest best friend I could have ever asked for. For all the nights you were there through my most soul-wrenching cries, all the times you were there to celebrate my success, and even praise me on my failures. All the moments you never hesitated to come and save me, at any time, any where, for any reason. Thank you. For all the love I will never forget.
I miss you. I will always miss you.
But there comes a time where we outgrow each other, or just grow in different ways that no longer lets our pieces fit. A time where no matter how long I try to deny it and continue to chisel and polish my pieces to fit yours, I will lose more of me in doing so. And in turn, losing myself, is you losing your best friend you once loved.
So the reason, that a girl like me who has never known to leave, left, was because I no longer knew how to be the best friend you needed, and that hurt me.
What I needed and what you needed could no longer fit, even if I knew there was still love.
We are bounded by memories. But being bound becomes toxic when our futures require different growth in us. Binding will only suffocate our growth that each of our soul needs.
I never knew how to let go of people out of love while I was letting go (because I could only learn that after), but with you, I let go with the utmost Love.
Love that I know will bring you pain at first, confusion, and resentment, but Love in hopes that the light I knew you always needed would find you and help you stand taller than you have ever before.
Love that you could bravely face the demons you’ve held yourself prison to, so that you could free yourself from them and finally live a life of happiness. Love, so you can see all the love around you.
Love, because I realized my love and support became a handicap for you, enabling and excusing your demons instead of pushing you to fight them.
And if I truly loved you, I wouldn’t want that for either of us.
So, I use
toxic healing because we are all healing, and this point of healing required us to need different things in life, ex best friend, present tense, because our friendship will now just take a different form, for our different needs.
There is not a part of me that rises at the sight of you falling, nor a part of me that resents the present that doesn’t look like what we imagined, and not a part of me that won’t always be wishing for your growth, happiness, and success.
You deserve every part of that.
I will always be sorry for no longer being able to keep my part.
But I will always be rooting for the best of both of us, near or apart.