To the Men Who Broke the Woman Who Just Loved Loving You.

How do I say this in a way that you will hear me? Hear me pleading for the Hmong women who didn’t know better and could only do the best they could to love you. How can I say it in a way that doesn’t coddle and cushion what you did and have no interest to care for? Because I want to speak for her, who binned by society’s dead ends, cannot say so herself.

I want to speak this for her who has kept her silence in the name of your household since the youth she never had. I want to speak this for the mother, still up in the night, packing the bags of her husband to depart in the morning, well-knowing he may return with another bride. I want to speak this for the wife, living the last moments as husband-and-only-wife before the morning ‘she’ arrives. I want to speak this for the woman who couldn’t bear him any sons, who will now watch a woman who can. And I want to speak for the woman, who bore him plenty but will now watch a woman whose young, slim body hasn’t. 

And perhaps, I want to even speak this for the woman who believes second best is better than nothing at all. The one who knows it could be her one day too, but to live for this moment as it’s not.

I want to speak this for the women whose breaking hearts I’ve been hearing. For the mothers, the sisters, the daughters. For the women who may have no home when morning comes. Children who won’t have a father to just call their own. The ones whose pleas go unheard, forced to pick up their lives with strength they don’t yet have, but cornered to make. The ones who have been broken just trying to love, and the ones who broke being loved.

For at least the duration of my words, please rest a piece of your broken heart on mine. 

To the Men Who Broke the Woman Who Just Loved Loving You:

What more could they do?

Could you please just stop, just pause for this moment being until a clear mind overcomes you?

May you please, please just know:

That even while the thought of her betraying you is something you wouldn’t dare dream of, the pain you brought her, is what could take a lifetime to heal. A lifetime of experiencing death while being alive.

Her leaving you would be the most despicable crime, but you leaving her, is leaving her with all the scars in all the places she’s only embraced you with.

May you please, please remember:

That it frustrates you to have to explain yourself another minute. But the years and decades of her lifetime she invested in you is still seen as the greatest purpose of her life.

It inconveniences you to have to use any muscle in your brain to think of a gift, but with her, a stop to the store is never complete without a favorite snack, drink, or new clothing for you.

Nothing is ever thought of or bought in anything but two.

Sometimes two, might even just all be for you.

Mind that, to keep up with you, she spends all day doing just as much or more than you. To be with you, she will defy all odds, including the exhaustion tugging at her eyes. To feed you, she will give you the last bite saying she’s full. To clothe you, she won’t buy her own. To love you, she won’t even know how to for herself. And to care for you, naturally she may start to look like someone who doesn’t for themselves.

During those times, I hope you will not look away. During those times, I hope you will not discard her for a soul who has not yet gone through the transformation of giving their youth away to love you. During that time, I hope you will see and remember the wrinkles that only laughed and cried for you. During that time, I hope you will feel the heart that truly only beats for you. During that time, I hope you will caress the stretch-marks that bore new life for you. During that time, I hope you will love the being that only breathed knowing to love you. The being that lives to see you laugh, the being that can carry on through your storms merely feeding off the memories of your sunshine days.

I swear in this lifetime, she will only know you. Love couldn’t happen with anyone else, because it only happened for her because it’s you.

I know what many will say. But I ask for just a moment for the silenced to have their moment. “She did it to herself. She chose to stay. She can just leave then. She can go find a non-Hmong man”—Am I supposed to condemn her for only knowing to love and giving her life to do so? Am I supposed to blame her for only dreaming of your happiness because that is all she ever knew, born into this society that is structured to benefit you? Am I supposed to shame her for trying to keep the father of her children in a society that will eat her alive for not having one? Am I supposed to punish her for the pureness and dedication in her that the bride price of our standards actually pay for?

Even I, myself, is stuck on what words to plea with. What answers to ask for. I am not sure. Because although self-love and independence is glamorized, there may be a generation that cannot afford to do so. One that would need the stripping of their entire life to understand how to do so.

So to You, I ask you, please don’t break the woman who just loved loving you.


Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

26 thoughts on “To the Men Who Broke the Woman Who Just Loved Loving You.

    1. notesfromnakita says:

      Thank you so much Tiffany. I absolutely agree. If there is any way for me to change it, I would. Writing small things is all I know how to do for now and I appreciate that it can speak to readers like you. It is so encouraging! 🙂


  1. Molly says:

    thank you, I love your piece. Although my mom just passed away recently and isn’t here anymore to see my dad chatting non-stop with young girls in Thailand/Laos, I still feel pain, anger, and frustration for her, all her efforts to give him the luxury of his life, so much that she died in that process and he never appreciate it and love her the way she wanted

    Liked by 1 person

    1. notesfromnakita says:

      Molly, my deepest condolences. Your words have left me at a loss for words. And your pain and anger is quite familiar but I cannot imagine the loss and the heartbreak. I am sorry to hear. And I am sorry as a daughter, you are in search of healing for yourself on your own. Mothers are amazing, your mother is amazing. I hurt for her. But I also believe that is the way she loved, and she loved to the extent she wanted to. I hope our mothers are rewarded with all the amazingness they deserve. And just as I am navigating healing, I hope you find healing too. Please take care of yourself Molly. We may not see change from out fathers in this lifetime, but perhaps we can be the change and inspire the change after us.


  2. embracinglife04 says:

    This has touched my soul, what a beautiful piece you have written. And I can only agree that more women need this kind of reminders to know and understand how strong all women are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. notesfromnakita says:

      Thank you so much for your words, for they touch mine. I will absolutely continue to honor the strength, resilience, and beauty of women. Thank you so much for the acknowledgment!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sandy says:

    Beautifully written. The sad truth is that some believe they have no options. The pressure and tension is there because there is no love. Those who see the suffering adds to the silence because we are afraid to get involved, therefore we allow it to continue. It’s frightening to say it is accepted as it is a norm.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. notesfromnakita says:

      Sandy, I absolutely agree. These are issues I am still trying to navigate myself. And I hope more out there are questioning as I do. And hopefully one day, we will be able to find a place of healing.


  4. Yengkong says:

    A very powerful piece. I hope that the men, who are at fault especially, all read this. Makes me sick knowing my brothers betray Hmong sisters and their pride for their selfishness. For we are HMONG MEN for a reason.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. notesfromnakita says:

      Thank you Yengkong. For being an ally to your sisters. I hope one day, I or someone can reach those men in various generations that these behaviors exist in now, to perhaps make a change. But sadly, I believe change happens from within. I can only hope, with the knowledge and little skills I have now.


    1. notesfromnakita says:

      I’ve gotten a few requests and am thinking to do so. Contemplating how to go about developing this piece. Thank you 🙂


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