Angle, smile, click and save.
I normally wouldn’t feature a selfie for my blog, but I guess this was an important one.
My most recent one.
Because I’m trying so hard to have it together, that I’m just on automode.
I’m laughing. I’m laughing because I’m utterly so helpless right now. Is that the word? No, that doesn’t have the right connotation. Let me rephrase: un-help-able. I am un-help-able.
You cannot help me, you cannot touch me, you cannot do anything to change the state of life I’m in.
I’ve tried everything I can, and I accept that. I’m just laughing.
Because, for every project, opportunity, celebration, exciting event I’ve planned or I’ve been given, is just disappearing or being replaced on my calendar by inevitable things; life events and situations.
As if everything I could make happen for myself after much effort, is just being taken away. Like the Universe has conspired to put this toddler of a 22 year old on time out to reflect on her life.
I’m laughing because I know what the Universe is saying.
For every tool and tactic I’ve ever used in my life to fill the void in me, the Universe is finally, once and for all, intervening to take it all away for me to force myself to face the rawness of myself, and to heal it from within.
“I heard that the Universe is always sending messages. It starts with a whisper. When you don’t listen, you get a tap on the shoulder. If you ignore that, you get a two-by-four across the head.” -Barbara Abramson
I think the Universe has had it with me. This is my two-by-four.
It has made everything I ever held onto, uncertain now. Unpromised. The friendships, the relationships, the jobs, the achievements, the everything.
It’s so real right now, that I am so mad at how real it is lol. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I want to throw a fit despite how much grace I want to take this with.
Why can’t I just keep filling myself? Why can’t I just keep overachieving and wearing myself out so I don’t feel the rest of the things I probably don’t want to feel? Why is it me? Why do I have to be so hyperaware of myself, others and universal energies? Why do I have to face my childhood wounds no matter how much I run, when others live out their lives perfectly avoiding all of theirs?
There’s a small voice of optimism rebutting all my complaints, but sigh. Not right now. I just want a moment.
Right now, the Universe has me cornered. There’s no up or down. No forward or backward. I’ve outgrown even the slightest of old habits–I don’t even have those to fall back on. I can’t even react the same to things. I’ve discovered new fears and challenges. I’m given opportunities that my gut says might not be for me, I’ve been rejected of opportunities that I can’t even think of wanting anything else. I’m not even lost. Because lost means you’re moving somewhere. I’m literally being put.
I am so uncomfortable in life right now that I’m probably comfortable. Because I can’t do anything about it.
But, fine. I know. I know it’s my becoming. I know I will thank this time later. I know I probably need it. I know it’s my reset to be a better, stabler me; probably the real, authentic me–the me for the rest of this life. They say your 20s are your experimental years. That’s probably what this is. I imagine 30 year old me to be quite content, I would hope. I imagine her to be more her than she’s ever been. I imagine her to be effortlessly comfortable in her own skin despite the life circumstances she’s in. And I know, she would ask me to enjoy this time while I can. But I know she will welcome me and promise me that I wouldn’t have to return to these years. I do imagine her to be alone, but I do like her that way. I’m slightly afraid if she wasn’t. Because I want to meet her, just her. Untouched. And raw.
I know the Universe isn’t cornering me. I know it’s just answering all my prayers–it’s just creating me and helping me to be who I wanted to be.
It’s a give and take. And I am just paying the price of all the prayers I whispered.
Angle, smile, click and save.