I am reflecting and processing about a mile a minute these days. Is it because I am desperate to heal this time around? I really don’t know but what I do know is that I can’t stop myself from writing out all my thoughts even if I wanted to.
I really want to stop writing about you, and about us.
But it seems that some things don’t go away until you completely learn from them.
Since running away isn’t an option, I’m diligently sitting here, bracing myself, and asking to be taught: Fine, teach me.
There is one thing I never want myself to forget: is the emotional abuse I inflicted on you. For the times you didn’t budge and told me you knew I didn’t know I was doing it, and you know what I meant to do. I want to take full responsibility for that and ensure it never happens again with the people I love. I am not sorry for the abuse inflicted on me, but I can be held for what I did do; what I can change.
I’ve never once felt that the blame in our relationship was all on you. Even as we walked to therapy, I wasn’t going in hopes to condemn you, I was going to help heal something in me that I knew was also hurting you. Because I knew we both each had something that would cut one another whenever we held onto each other.
I’ve always tried to tell you, that there was something dark in me too, not just you, that I knew hurt the people I love and in turn, hurts you too. That I had something I was afraid of too. And I remember you always saying, “It’s not just you. You are not bad. Everyone feels like that. Everyone has something they are battling with. No one is perfect.” I realize that subconsciously, I believed everyone in the world was perfect; except me.
Like I remember always telling you, that we both are not that different. We hurt the ones we love without knowing why, and have a hard time forgiving and loving ourselves for it. We have deep intentions that our actions do not reflect. And recovery becomes harder each time. We see ourselves as monsters.
I am sorry.
I wanted our monsters to heal together, because our monsters could see each other, but in turn, we were then able to see clear reflections of our own, and our own began fighting one another.
Maybe that is what we were meant to do for each other. Pulling our tired monsters into the light where we could see them. Something only we could do for one another.
We’ve never ran from each other’s monsters. Only from our own. We saw each other as all that we were. We know each other’s darkest parts: the parts we needed the other’s hand and light for.
But I see that only one of us is ready to put their monster to rest; to listen to their pain, let them be heard, give them what they truly need, so they can peacefully be gone from this world.
Everyone who hurts others, comes from a place of pain. And everyone has a place of pain. A manifestation from their childhood, that was a manifestation from their parent’s childhood and so on. Generations of pain.
I want to heal mine.
And I want to say sorry to yours. Yours and all the others that I’ve hurt along the way.
Because of you, I see my deepest fears so clearly. I see the scars that even a perfect childhood can leave. I understood to my core, where it needs healing.
I want to devote myself to a life of giving love. After I heal and take care of myself. Because I know how strong and dark pain can grow.
I hope one day you can be free of yours.