When you can’t find the answers to why and how something happened, step back and pretend that it was all apart of a higher power’s plan, and make sense of what that story may be like a Disney movie or a Kdrama we’d see. Because most of our pain, is from the thought that this shouldn’t be and it should be some other way. So here goes. Maybe it will sound like your story too.
It’s as if the Heavens and the Universe conspired & granted what I wished for every single second of the day, for the past 365 days.
They heard my prayers & my miseries & held open the gates of time for me to come back to you, clearing the pathway so that we could be. Somewhere along, I must’ve heard it in a dream, that Heaven must have let me back on one condition: that I had just this many days to do all that I wished for when you first had left me. I am sure Heaven was waiting for me to learn for myself, if this was either truly my second chance to make it work, or to finally see everything for what it was in order to set myself free.
And on this condition, they strung me in on a rope, pausing time for me to do all the things on my list. The things that I truly believed I should’ve done, I could’ve done, and would’ve done if given another chance to possibly change your mind and make you stay.
In this time, we got to revisit the old places I missed, and even journeyed to new places we’ve never been. We got to be our old silly selves & new older selves too. We got to see all the people we love and say things never said before. We dreamed new dreams and believed in new things. We embraced again. And remembered the feeling of one another’s existence. All the while, I knew I was holding an empty body and hearing words from an temporarily resurrected spirit, but for that moment I pretended it was as if nothing happened.
Somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew Heaven was always tapping me, reminding me to cherish those moments, because I wasn’t here to stay; I was just passing by. So I ingrained all the warmth & laughter in my mind, enough to suffice me for the life I would be living without you.
And before I knew it, the spell Heaven casted was wearing off on you, your mask was slowly falling, and everything Heaven was holding open for us was slowly caving in.
My heart broke knowing our final moments were coming and that I was running out of time.
I truly said all I could say, spilled all I could, showed everything I had, and did all I wished for.
And when I learned you weren’t going to stay, I tugged on my rope & took the last leap for Heaven to pull me out of there.
I knew I had already lost you.
And before the vortex closed, I had to escape.
I look back as I see the door to you sealing. It is sealed. And now all that remains is a dark snow globe of all the memories of us. The proof that we once were. The memories frozen, even when all the glitter subsides. And I can only look from the outside, of what once made me so happy.
Heaven, with its hands on my shoulders, is turning me slowly for my future to come. The storms that are still coming, and the sunshine still waiting. All without you. Heaven and the Universe have conspired for me over and over. Gifted me this snow globe for me to stride forward. Letting me let go of what I couldn’t before, letting me see that even if I went back, nothing would change. We truly were not meant to be, only meant to have been.
I have fought and defied all odds to be with you, but the one thing I couldn’t defy was the darkness in you. And perhaps now it is time to join hands with my guardian angels and the higher power that seems so desperately guiding and protecting me, in order to live the life meant for me.
I will leave you behind my love. From all the adventures we said we would go on, all the life milestones and more. And slowly but surely, I know you will make your way to those places too.
If we are ever in the same place at the same time, I will see you then. If not, cheers to our own adventures that we each could not be together for. I will always forever, love you.