My Body Always Knows I’m Leaving You.

So funny how my body will always be the first one to know that it is leaving you.

As soon as my footsteps turn the other way, my chest begins to ache, food won’t go down, my tummy starts to slim, my eyesight blurs, I always get sick, and my heart just feels empty.

But this time it’s different, because I now know what to do. I get up from my body and hold my shoulders together, and just reassure myself that this is what it’s supposed to do again. It’s normal.

I am well equipped this time around. I know to sleep when it’s time, I know to wake up when I need to, I go to the same workplace I’d spend my days running away from the thought of you, I go to the gym I committed myself to forgetting you in, I cry when I have to, I write when I want to, and I hug all the moments that I am not thinking or feeling in because it’s rare.

Soon, I’ll be sitting in therapy again. Just like I used to. And it’s okay. Because there are things we just have to do.

I know if I let it hurt this time, it will finally hurt once and for all. And I know, you know too.

I just wanted to say goodbye this time. Goodbye to all of our subchapters in this chapter that needs to rest; one that neither of us can keep open anymore. One that we’ve watered and watered to keep alive, but just can’t win against time and our own demons. It’s never easy and never the right time, so here goes.

Goodbye My First Lover. With every appetite I will gain back. Goodbye to all the times lunch and dinner was sitting across you. Goodbye to all the times grocery stores, Cubs and Target was a world of adventures with you. Goodbye to all the dreams I’d confide in you, in our secret little treasure chest of things we’d one day do. Goodbye to all the tears and secrets I’d spill in your arms; my deepest hurts and darkest fears. Goodbye to the good mornings, the goodnights and how’s your day so far that start and end with you. Goodbye to being my automatic gps without complaint because you know most times I have no clue where I’m going even if I’ve been there a million times. Goodbye to all the free time that just meant a happy time with you.

Goodbye My Best Friend. With all the mornings that will get brighter. Goodbye to all the jokes you’d help laugh at. Goodbye to all the moments only you would catch me being my truest self in. Goodbye to all the stupid and silly things you already know I’ve done just by the slightest movement of my arm or the ridiculous look on my face. Goodbye to the Disney movies we loved. Goodbye to all the people we gossiped about; the things we didn’t like about others, and the things we admired together. Goodbye to our beauty routines, our shopping sprees, our night time drive, our ugly laughs, choking on peppermints, watching me copy you and failing miserably, or watching you launch every tray of food you touch into the ground in front of a crowd.

Goodbye My Brother. With all the moments that will no longer be filled with you. Goodbye to all the times you’d watch me from behind and already repelled danger before it reached me. Goodbye to all the times you needed to know if I was safe because I was priority. Goodbye to all the times you’d have to wipe something off my face. Goodbye to all the times you stood by me when someone hurt me. Goodbye to all the games we’d choose each other first as partners. Goodbye to all the times you’d forget I couldn’t run as fast as you and scraped my knees in the cement ground.

Goodbye to all those really happy times. Goodbye to the sadness it turned into. Goodbye to the us we will finally leave behind. Goodbye to the people we wanted to be with each other. Goodbye to all the loved ones that come with one another. Goodbye to this really long chapter that I wouldn’t stop writing.

I had a really good time. I truly did. The best and hardest memories came with you. I loved you, dearly. I love you still. I will miss you truly, just as I miss you now.

I have enough of your compliments, encouragements, and reminders to take with me until the next who will fill your spot. I’ll remember to stop a car away from the car in front of me. I’ll remember to eat and sleep on time. I’ll make sure to look left, right, then left again before turning. I’ll remember not to be so hard on myself. I’ll remember not to think so much. I’ll remember that I’m not too old, I’m not ugly, and if I wanted to look a certain way, I could just change my clothes. I’ll remember that I’m just different, that no one compares. I’ll remember that if I were ever to become famous, it would be for me just simply being me. I’ll remember that I deserve more. I’ll remember to be careful with my words and not make people feel hurt when I am hurt. I’ll remember to dress warm, take time for myself, and to go out there and show the world who I am. I’ll remember a lot.

You remember too.



Photo by Lorna Scubelek on Unsplash

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