Watching the One Who Hurt Me Heal

I don’t think there is any way I can go about writing this piece without sounding unbearably naive to some. Or without hearing my own voice shake. Because as we are both sitting here, each healing our own wounds, I know all the things that the world is thinking of us. The mercy we don’t deserve, the eye-rolling predictable story plot that everyone is already foreshadowing and therefore, feels the need to stay clear of us & the havoc we might bring.

But as you have found courage to find your way back despite the heavy wall of shame that awaits you, I will have the courage to write this one for you.

It truly is one thing to be healing from your own pain & learning to trust the world again. And it’s another to be doing that while watching the same person who made you this way, heal from the pain of not only hurting you but also, destroying themselves.

Because the one who you once viewed as heartless in causing you pain, all of a sudden has a more sorrowful pain than you do.

Because for a year, I got to ride on the victory of being the one that got away, the gem you didn’t deserve, the strong, inspirational woman who refuses to die when she is destroyed, all the while, you have lived a year plagued as the bad guy, the fool, the everything a hurtful, shameful word could mean. And even as you return, you enter another plague of these names until who knows when the world will forgive and forget. Something you know you can ask no mercy of as you take responsibility for the actions you chose when you believed it would be best.

To my dearest love, I want you to know: I see you. I hear you. And I utterly feel you.

I see the way you quietly & diligently pick up & draw in the pieces to your broken & missing reflection, without asking for help because you know the world would remind you that you didn’t deserve it. A reflection that you’ve never once truly knew but one that took your greatest destruction, to believe in your power to build it. One that just seems so pitch black at times when you realize the darkness you’ve been capable of, one that you can’t believe isn’t just a bad dream.

I see the way you spend hours a day, sticking band-aids to the little wounds you’ve inflicted on yourself by finding & collecting articles, quotes & songs that remind you that the days will get a little brighter, that the mistakes you’ve made are human, that the pain you feel is real, and that the happiness you long for is also something you can deserve.

I see the way you so earnestly peek within yourself to find an ounce of good that you feel just might add up to be something slightly wonderful. I see the way you carefully protect those pieces so that you don’t lose to the voices that will make you destroy them again.

I hear your sorrow when you smile & joke with all the burns & bitter sarcasm that gets thrown your way when we’re with old friends as you already understand that they too, are coming from a place of hurt. I can hear you bearing the sting as the little cracking of the heart that you’ve already spent all day & night repairing, is doing its best to show the world that it’s sorry.

I can see the way your spirit dims a little as you are doing your best to relight the candle that the wind seems to conspire in blowing out for you everyday. I know that you are doing your best, for the first time in your life, with absolutely all that you have left, to believe in the worth & good of your existence, when your life has already gone so far in portraying the opposite.

And I know you can see the pain that I hold in for moment, when I see the world has already unleashed onto you a load of their own. Because even when I am hurting, I know you are hurting more. Because I am hurting for a self that I have learned to love, but you are not only hurting for a self you have never even clearly seen, but also a world you have hurt in the process of being unable to love yourself.

You and I both know, there is not much you or I could say to the world. To help us feel that we could convince them & validate our existence and worth. And we know that like before, the battle is within us, ourselves, and our very own minds.

Everyone may remind you of the many differences & gap between us as individuals, but I will remind you that we are quite the same.

We are both here to learn & grow. Loving and hurting people is all apart of the process. Like everyone, we are searching for love & learning to love, waiting to be loved, and finding our way in our journey of self-love. Because what are lessons without mistakes. What is growth without challenges. What is strength without our weakest days. And what is inspiration without a story of unimaginable hardship and obstacles. What is amazing without making the impossible happen. 

We are the writers of our story. We choose our ending. And if we are not yet content, know, that is not yet our end.

“You is kind. You is smart.

You is important.”

― Kathryn Stockett, The Help

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