For the first time in a long time, I felt cornered, truly lost on where to go, not knowing what to do to get past this moment in time, with my heart utterly crushed again.
I called out for you.
As you are making the day of someone else, do you know I am constantly questioned for our reasons to end. It somehow always leads back to me not sexually satisfying you.
Is it because I am a girl?
Do you know, that until this day, the status of my virginity is asked more than whether or not I am okay. People who can hardly spell my name throw me in a debate of my virginity, in means to “get to know” me. As if that is the second best thing after my name, to clearly convey who I am.
Because how could a “pretty” girl like me remain a virgin, but how could a “goodie” girl like me, be not a virgin?
I owe no one nothing.
To the people who want to know my status of virginity because they are mesmerized by me as someone so rare, I can tell you with confidence that there are a million reasons as to why I am rare that have absolutely nothing to do with my status of virginity.
Maybe the next time you want to get to know me, maybe ask something that could better define me. Maybe my hobbies? Maybe my dreams and aspirations? Maybe how I feel about you?
To all the people who tried to pry information from my family and friends behind my back about whether or not your predictions on my virginity are correct:
Because you’ve hardly or never asked if I am okay. Whether I’ve made it out of therapy, whether I have gotten back to eating, sleeping, whether I still ice my face from crying on the daily, whether I’ve healed from everything that has happened to me. Whether I’ve found myself after losing myself through all this time I lived for someone else.
Your status of virginity would not be the first thing I’d ask after seeing you crumble from a relationship people were well aware you gave everything and fought for. It would not even cross my mind after seeing you lose a person who was your world because I know exactly how excruciating it is to lose someone you love.
As a matter of fact, I am still not interested in your virginity and nor will I ever be. Because I respect you as you, and something so petty does not define who you are to me.
So please let go of that curiosity of yours. And know that there are better things to look out for. Focusing on the status of someone’s virginity will make you miss out on the better, more important pieces of them.
This is not a matter of condemning new people to things that happened in my past, this is a matter of me demanding the same amount of respect for myself that I would generously give to you.
I am taking all the time I need to heal so that I can be among people at my best. If that is not something you can wait for, please just run along. This is not me clinging onto my past, this is me doing everything I can to win it. And it starts with me, doing something I never knew how to do: standing up for myself.